When Should I Divorce My Wife
That might not make you feel any better, but now that you know your wife wants a divorce, you need to know how best to proceed without losing your kids (and your shirt) in the process. You might be tempted to do one of four things: 1.) Wife wants divorce? You could ignore it and hope it goes away. You’re thinking: I don't really think my wife wants to divorce me. And the first thing I would say to this woman is that the path to hope is not the path of divorce. God can rescue sinners from the disaster of a divorce, but he warns: Let us not sin that grace may abound (Romans 6:1). Planned sin is not accompanied by any promises of hope.
How often do women cheat? According to Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D. the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia 14 percent of married women cheat. In other words, the chances of a wife cheating are slim in spite of what you may read on a lot of internet sites.
Wouldn’t it be interesting to know the statistics about how often wives are accused of cheating compared to the actual statistics? And one has to wonder, if husbands were more aware of the low percentage of wives who cheat would they find it easier to trust and let go of any suspicions?
Sometimes a wife’s behavior can indicate cheating, just because there are indications and suspicions though does not mean there is cheating. My first piece of advice to anyone who doesn’t have definitive proof of cheating is to not let your suspicions get away with you and don’t make accusations of infidelity unless you’re absolutely sure there is an issue to be dealt with.
If You’re Absolutely Certain Your Wife is Cheating:
1. Don’t go all alpha male on the other man. Sure, he has encroached on your territory, has stepped in where he doesn’t belong but, threats or physical violence from you will land you in jail and push your wife further into his arms. And, like the old saying goes, “when you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.” Your wife and the other man have lowered their standard, that doesn’t mean you have to also.
2. Check your emotions before exposing her secret. When you discover the infidelity you will experience many different emotions. You will fear losing your wife, your marriage ending and of course the shame of knowing that marital trust has been broken. If your desire is to save your marriage you need to check your emotions and come at this problem with a level head. If your desire is to divorce, you will fare better during the divorce process if you don’t allow your emotions to guide your decisions.
3. If your desire is to save your marriage I urge you to talk to a therapist before confronting your wife. A therapist can help you process the information and emotions and guide you in the steps you need to take to save the marriage.
4. Build a good support system but don’t share your marital problems with anyone who will listen. It is important that you know you are not alone, that you have a confidant to go to when your emotions get the best of you. Choose a good friend or trusted family member to confide in but don’t allow your anger to cause you to spread the word to too many people. If you are able to save your marriage, you don’t want people judging you or your wife. Your marital problems are your business; keep it close to the chest.
5. Don’t compare your situation to that of others. Marriages and affairs are uniquely individual. What happens in someone else’s situation is not a reflection of what will happen in your situation. You need to develop a plan for personal and marital recovery based on your marriage and your relationship with your wife.
6. Take care of your emotional and physical needs. Lean on your support system, talk to a therapist, do what you need to do to keep your emotions from causing you illness. Eat a balanced diet so the stress of your situation does not interfere with optimum physical well-being. Exercise regularly, nothing alleviates stress and staves off depression like a regular work-out routine.
7. Protect your legal rights in case your marriage doesn’t survive. Whether or not you want a divorce, it is in your best interest to consult with a divorce attorney if your wife is cheating. You don’t have to file for a divorce but a consultation with a divorce attorney will help you understand your legal divorce rights and how to protect yourself and any marital assets should the affair mean the demise of your marriage.
8. Confront your wife about her betrayal. It is important to have proof of the infidelity and all your ducks in a row. If you’ve spoken with a therapist and a divorce attorney, have gotten a good grasp on your emotions, the confrontation with your wife will more than likely go in your favor.
9. Make the decision whether to stay in the marriage or file for a divorce. If your wife refuses to give up the affair, you have two choices. You can give it time and see if the affair dies out or you can file for a divorce and move on with your life. Whatever you do, is your choice. Don’t allow your wife to dictate how you choose to respond to her bad behavior. Only you know what is and isn’t acceptable marital behavior, in the end, it is up to you what you can and can’t live with.
Our new series, the divorce survival guide, hosts writers discussing the most bitter cut of all: the end of a marriage
Last November, my husband sat me down on the living room floor and told me he didn’t see a future for us. The abrupt end of my 18-year relationship left me feeling blindsided and disoriented, and my brain parsed the event as a trauma. I was in a surreal fight-or-flight mode for months, unable to sleep or eat normally, disoriented to the degree that I would walk into walls as I tried to cook for my son, or fall down the stairs for no reason.
On top of this personal shock, I also had to face my readers. In my work as a publisher of an online wedding magazine, I spent the winter of my divorce figuring out co-parenting while also co-producing wedding expos nationwide. I juggled meetings with child therapists and wedding vendors. It was rough.
But as I round out the first year since my divorce, things have calmed down. I look back and wish I could wrap my arms around that poor blindsided woman a year ago and whisper these truths into her ear.
1. Trip out on grief – it’s a hallucinogen
Regardless of how your marriage ends, it’s a death. Maybe it’s a loving euthanasia that you both agree on, maybe it’s a violent one-sided decision that only one of you sees coming, but it’s a death regardless. This means both of you will go through grief – a powerful mind-altering substance.
In the darkest of my days, I felt like I was on a low dose of LSD at all times – time was weird, my vision was odd, I threw up for no reason, my emotions were out of control. Even eating was an intellectual exercise (chew, chew … swallow? Is that what you do next?). I generally felt like I was tripping.
I felt like I was on a low- dose of LSD – time was weird, my vision was odd, my emotions were out of control
This state of mind was profoundly uncomfortable, but also weirdly educational. Never a big crier, I received a crash course in what tear-induced catharsis felt like – and holy wow, it felt good. Like many mind-altering substances, there are lessons there if you want to learn them.
2. Choose healing
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In the first weeks of the separation, I desperately tried to hold the space for two parallel realities: on the one hand, I wanted to hold out hope for the salvage of my marriage. On the other, I recognized that I was traumatized and broken – and that I needed to heal.
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A month in, I had a panic attack that made it clear to me that it was beyond my capacity to hold both “healing” and “hope”. So abandon hope all ye who enter here. Choose healing, instead.
3. Shift attention away from your former partner
Regardless of how your separation goes down, it’s a waste to expand energy on your ex. This will feel deeply frustrating. You will want to argue over details, assign blame, and defend your actions .. but here’s the cold hard truth: it really doesn’t matter any more.
The longer you keep trying to define yourself in relation to your former partner’s actions or opinions, the longer you keep yourself trapped in the relationship. You don’t want to find yourself “divorced to someone” instead of “divorced from someone”. Resist the urge to rage at your ex or complain about them to other people.
For me, time invested in thinking or talking about my former partner was time away from building my and my son’s new life together. I tried to see my ex as a new person with only one role: a co-parent.
Think of it like martial arts: avoid flailing. Conserve your energy. You’ll need it.
4. Grab reinvention by the balls
This may be the best opportunity you’ve had in years (or even decades) to re-assess where you’re at, who you are, and who you want to be.
My divorce meant a very abrupt disintegration of domestic systems I’d had in place for years – childcare, chores, scheduling, finances. Once I’d gotten over the shock, I realized I had an amazing opportunity to rebuild them on my own terms. Once the domestic systems were reestablished so my son had a stable home, I shifted my attention to my own internal systems: food, exercise, sleep.
My divorce came with a 50/50 custody split, which meant that suddenly I also had a lot of time on my hands. At first it felt oppressive: I grieved losing so much time with my son, and sat alone in my empty house, hours stretching ahead of me into days. Even my self-employment (which gave me the privilege of a stable income and a flexible schedule) started to make me feel adrift in a structureless, empty life.
Then I started to think of rebuilding that empty life as an epic project. Which brings us to ..
5. Try all the things
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In part to deal with my own loneliness and anxiety, I started filling my lonely childless days with trying things to see if they’d help me heal.
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You don’t want find yourself 'divorced to someone' instead of 'divorced from someone'
I tried boxing and firing ranges, sound healing and reiki. I tried jumping jacks to see if they’d help with panic, sprinting to see if it helped with the fear, making an altar to see if it would help with the existential angst. I tried flooding and doing behavior training on myself, intentionally exposing myself to places and situation that deeply upset me to see if I could burn out my emotional receptors.
I tried sleeping pills from my doctor (who diagnosed me with “acute adjustment disorder”) and indica strains from the local legal pot shop (who didn’t care about a diagnosis). I tried three months of sobriety. I tried floor-length sequin gowns and burlesque instruction from a new age stripper who’s a classically trained ballerina. I tried pull-ups and protein. I tried crying until capillaries broke in my eyelids. I tried grief retreats and keening. I tried weird witchy intention-setting and crystals, and then straight-forward systematic mental exercises and meditation practices.
Some things worked better than others, but I learned a lot.
6. Talk to all the people
When you’re partnered, you focus most of your energy on that one person. Out of my partnership, I had an insatiable hunger for new brains. This started with focusing more energy on my closest bonds: I got closer with my parents than I’d been since high school. Then it radiated out to my friends: they held my hands while I lay in bed sobbing, and a year later I’m the one holding hands as they go through their own divorces and illnesses and traumas. There is no longer time for small talk.
From there, I radiated out to strangers: I started complimenting randos on the street, just because I needed to see someone smile.
Then I started inhaling people’s stories: the queer former-cheerleader, the opera singer, the tree climber, the corset-maker, the pin-up model with PTSD, my mountaineering accountant going through her own divorce, on and on and on. As I made more friends, I absorbed all their tales and my circle of beloveds got both wider and deeper. My sense of place in the world broadened.
7. Know that it gets better (even if you absolutely don’t believe it)
One of the hardest parts of my post-divorce depression was dealing with the feeling that the pain was going to last forever. The hopelessness! The darkness! It engulfed everything: you feel bad, and you will feel bad forever. Your brain simply cannot fathom that it is not the case.
You can’t convince yourself of this in the moment, but just let the reality float out there until you eventually feel it: it gets better. Even if all you can do some days is tread water with one nostril above the water, know that there is a shore out there somewhere.
You won’t find it; it’ll find its way to you.